Kumquat May

The corporate sporting world is about to get a whole lot more competitive, and fast.  First it was tennis, the sport of the rich elite.  Next, came squash or racquetball, the everyman D.I.N.K game of BMW drivers everywhere.  Lastly came pickleball, the game for children and old people, who want to convince themselves that they are at least as cool as the racquetball guys.  News flash, they aren’t.  Little kids don’t play cool professional business sports.  But a new king is rising.  Enter, Kumquato. 

Developed just last year, Kumquato is the newest racket sport game to sweep the competitive business world.  It’s faster than Racquetball, flashier than tennis, and I won’t even consider pickleball a real sport.  Here’s how it works. 

Players walk inside of a 15’ x 15’ x 15’ plexiglass cube, and then all hell breaks loose.  The ball is similar to a racquetball, but it’s bouncier.  The paddles are heavy, at least 6lbs, and you win, by hitting your opponents with the ball, but here’s the catch, only on a ricochet.  Winner of the last point serves again.  The key is to hit your opponents at least 3 times so that you can escape the death cube, which according to official regulations, must be played outside during the summer, and inside at no less than 75 degrees during off season.  This is to increase the benefits to the players of hot yoga and a sauna, along with cardio and weight training.  The rules state that the player with the highest salary, or the car with the fastest 0-60 time goes first, (me both times). 

The game is a revolution in competitive reaction time and strategy, two things that are essential in business.  If you’re not first to the business deal, you’re last, and if you don’t react, you just might get hit, three times, and have to stay in the hot death cube.  Play hard friends.