MAiD to Die

Whatever you may think about Canada and it’s highly controversial MAiD program for assisted (encouraged) suicide, I think we can all agree, that this latest addition, might actually make a lot of sense, and save everyone a lot of headaches and internet rage along with it. 

On Monday, the Canadian government announced that they would be opening up their MAiD program to include assisted brand suicide, and surprisingly, a lot of business owners are heavily considering the procedure. 

“I just thought the stress and pain might not ever go away, especially in the wake of the Bud Light and Target massacres, and so I thought about it a lot and I decided to commit assisted brand suicide.” 

John McCullough was a small business owner in Toronto, and he said committing assisted brand suicide, was the best decision he ever made.  “It was a constant battle against offending people, and wondering if the message was getting through to the customers, and if anyone really cared about what we did, and so when we approached the government about getting a small business load to expand our operation and improve the lives of our employees, they suggested we look at into MAiD instead.  Now that we have committed assisted brand suicide, I don’t have to worry anymore, I got a payout from the government, and now all the worries I had about my employees, and who we will offend this week, and is our product good enough, they are all gone.” 

BCM was unable to contact any of John’s previous 42 employees, as they were all apparently out looking for work.  According to the company’s obituary, their suicide consisted of 5 ethnic slurs on three different social media platforms, a joke about French President, Emmanuel Macron’s sexuality, and a formal letter to Parliament asking them to let Trump annex Canada in a North American Anschluss.  RIP.