Power Players

Power.  It’s what drives the world, and the main question of most of human history is how to make more power, and the answer, surprisingly consistently, is that power is all about burning stuff. 

Nuclear physicist, Charles Bonningham, President of the National Nuclear College in Augusta Maine, says that setting stuff on fire, is the entirety of human history. 

“Fire, is just burning wood, coal is just burning rocks, geothermal power is the inner fires of the earth, heck even solar energy is just burning gasses really far away, but that got us thinking at the institute, what if we chemically set something on fire by ripping it apart really slowly?  You’ll never guess what happened next.  It was a big shock.  I mean kaboom, metaphorically speaking of course.” 

Bonningham, says that they have used this chemical process to slowly separate atoms and believe it or not, he says that is what makes the fire in this situation. 

“It’s really quite incredible, we can make fire by splitting atoms and using that fire from ripping stuff apart to charge iPhones, it’s super neat.” 

This new process is being called Nuclear Ripping Power, or NRP, and is expected to start offering power to the public sometime in late 2026. 

Bonningham was also quick to distinguish that this technology is completely novel and unlike anything ever seen before, with no potential drawbacks, ever.

"We were initially concerned that NRP wouldn't pass miles of bureaucratic red tape, but the process has actually been a breeze since thankfully none of our current politicians have ever read a history book and we promised our method would cause trees to grow at an astonishing rate. Probably."

Correction: A previous version of this story incorrectly quoted Charles Bonningham as saying that trees would grow rapidly. The correct term should have been "glow". We apologize for this editorial oversight.