Search Results

"Money, money, money...ain't it funny...it's a rich man's world." Shock is still rippling through the financial system this afternoon, as just this morning the decision came down from a federal judge in the landmark ruling against the Securities and Exchange Commission, they are required to return all fees and penalties to all companies since their inception, because as the ruling says, “they’ve never actually secured or exchanged anything.”    Sharon Easton, is a professor of Finance and Cash Money, at Brockholm College, and she sat down with BCM to discuss the incredible turn of events.  “I just think it goes to show that words matter; you know?  You can’t say you’re a security and exchange thing and not provide security, or even exchange anything, and I think the federal judge was absolutely correct in his verdict in this case.”  When asked further if the term might be more referring to a financial security rather than a security service and monetary exchange, Professor Easton realized she had a prior engagement, although on her way out she did comment, “and they are commissioned too!  Who hired these guys on commission to do this!?”    The SEC is set to return 3.8 trillion in fees to business enterprises not adjusted for inflation, the economy is expected to explode in the next 12 days following this influx if it doesn’t get appealed in the next week.  Hopefully our money is secure, because really, there is no exchanging it for another.

Balance the federal budget and you will bring the force back into balance and defeat the Sith. Every year, in an effort to help Americans be more fiscally responsible and maintain a healthy and strong economy, the U.S. government budget office releases recommendations for consumers.  However, this year, with impending doom of remote work and looming budget cuts, to save time, the government decided to just release the internal budget recommendations that they use every year to manage the U.S. government budget.  Below we have compiled the best of the lengthy tome of information in a condensed fashion for you, the avid Business Company Magazine reader.  Please enjoy the wisdom of the bureaucracy.    ·       Once the budget has been published, please shred it and just roll with whatever comes up.  ·       What’s another trillion?? ·       Budget?  What budget?  ·       Don’t build bridges, dig deeper pockets.  ·       Always remember to practice S.P.E.N.D. (Spend People’s Extra Needed Dough) ·       Money, money, money, ain’t it funny? It’s a rich man’s world .  ·       For reference, rewatch the classic movie Blank Check and put it into practice.  ·       If the question, “Does the pentagon need an indoor go kart track?” comes up, than answer is always yes.  ·       Kickbacks are cool baby.  ·       Always remember, earmark! Earmark! Earmark!  ·       What’s another, Another Trillion?? ·       Order the pizza, buy the brownies, make sure the residents Malawi have Snuggies.  ·       Live, Laugh, Love…to spend money on silly little projects.  ·       Make it rain baby! ·       Make sure the millions go to the right places, remember the Congo needs fiber optic cable so we can get more Cobalt.  ·       Print mo’ money, no mo’ problems.  ·       Let’s up that puppy another trillion.  Dear God help us all.

The "Rumble in the Jungle" has nothing on this. Haters will say it's fake. It’s January 2025; a new administration has just entered office and has wasted no time getting to work.  Donald Trump has tasked his new cabinet to start immediately on the goals of his office, and to fulfill the mandate of the voters, and one of his members most keen to get started is Tom Homan.  The former ICE director has caused a panic among those less inclined to sovereign borders, but no one expected him to be quite so zealous with who he was willing to go after.  As of Thursday morning Tom Homan was observed to be personally outside of the home of the billionaire Mark Cuban with orders of deportation.    “It’s right there in his dumb name,” Homan’s assistant John Marks said to BCM, “we just thought it was a surname, but it turns out he actually IS Cuban in origin.”    Mark Cuban ruffled more feathers than normal over the last year, with his outspoken opposition of Donald Trump and Co., but one can’t help but wonder if the deportation retaliation is a bit politically motivated.  However, as more and more people are surprised to find out, Mark is not the only high profile Cuban to be discovered living large in the capitalist west; the son of Fidel in the frozen north may be on a flight to the Caribbean himself in the not so distant future.  Reportedly, Mr. Cuban has two days to remove himself to Cuba or face charges with the federal government and a heavy fine.

Love is hard, so is brand marketing; wear a helmet. $1.2 Billion dollars.  That’s what the estimated economic impact the relationship between Taylor Swift and Travis Kelce is estimated to cause between jersey, merchandise, album sales, and NFL viewership.  Never has a relationship been so nationwide, engaging, and caused so many young women who couldn’t name 3 NFL teams two years ago, let alone any other professional sports, to become the most rabid Chiefs fans of all time.                Jersey sales, albums sales, concert tickets, podcast listens, game viewership.  These are the metrics that corporate executives love, and soon they may have their own formula and inputs for success.  Late yesterday evening, top executives with the NFL, Capitol records, and Match Group, Inc. –the parent company of Hinge and Tinder—are reported to have opened talks about a deal that could generate billions for all involved.  Their plan for success?  A high profile dating app that would match sports stars with famous musicians for the brand growth of both parties.    “It’s not just input famous singer and famous sports star and boom you get a billion,” says an NFL exec, who wished to remain anonymous until the deal is inked, “There is legit science behind this, I mean they have to pretend to like each other and have contracts for potential breakups and future relationship growth so that the separation is amicable, and the healthy relationship doesn’t get stale and cease to generate new brand content.”  Who thought a simple relationship could be so complicated?    However, this could be a great new marketing opportunity for both the music and sports industries.  Popular musicians will be matched with sports stars, either up and coming or established depending on the fees paid by the sports team and the popularity that the pop star is able to command.  The musician fan girlfriends will start supporting the girl’s boyfriends team, and in repayment of that support, their boyfriends will be forced to buy them concert tickets and albums.    “It’s really an insane win for all involved,” said Capitol Music Group executive, Brad Schweitzer, “I’m this close to convincing, Ariana Grande to finally go for Jimmy G,” if I can pull it off, then next year Jimmy is in the Super Bowl and Ariana and I both make another billion.”  BCM cannot confirm whether Schweitzer had cartoon dollar signs in his eyes as he said this, but we can confirm that his phone made a cha-ching!  sound when he received a text.    This new partnership venture is currently known as Match Point , and is already in talks with the NFL, NHL, NBA, MLB, MLS, and the PGA, as of this writing the WNBA, WNHL, and Powder Puff league had not been contacted by Match Point, but Caitlyn Clark had accepted a personal invite for a coffee date with Will Dissly.

Apple-Macintosh is the worlds first trillion dollar company.  An impressive feat that the tech and personal computing giant has not really bragged about much despite its historic achievement.  But what does a trillion dollar company do with all of that wealth?  If you’re Apple, you ask if you can buy Taiwan.  The potential merger/acquisition has apparently been in talks for some time, with many visits by the C-suite crew of Apple to their development factories at Foxconn, and multiple tours of the Apple headquarters by many Chinese government officials.  According to our sources, China is actually amenable to the potential deal, as long as Apple builds a replica Apple headquarters in Beijing for party members.    When talking with Apple about the potential acquisition, the company merely replied saying, “It just makes sense.”  No further comment was provided.  It does indeed make sense for Apple.  A controlled environment, a stable workforce, and beachfront property.  However our talks with the Chinese government public relations department revealed that the Chinese government was also very open to allowing a very long lease upon the island as it would save them billions in military hardware costs.    Taiwanese officials were unable to be reached due to their communications being jammed.

$1.36 billion dollars.  That’s how much money the Super Mario Bros. Movie made in it’s total global box office run and it turns out, that’s enough money to get people to notice.  Branding ; it’s the crucial communication step between a company and a consumer, but also, it’s quite the fashion trend.  If there is a branding trend and a company isn’t on it, potentially millions of dollars is being left on the table.  “It really comes down to public perception,” Susie Gorsch, a Marketing and Design professor at Shreveport Community College explains, “If public perception is that something is cool and fun, and your company don’t have that thing, then your company isn’t cool and fun, it’s simple brand math.”  Brand Math.  I miss the days of good straightforward advertising. “You like to smoke? We have cigarettes.  Clean.  Simple.  But c’est la vie, and many companies today feel the same as me.  The constant shifting trends of the social media age have companies jumping at new packages and products every month or two, and it can be exhausting.  “This is our fifth trend package this year, and I’m nearly exhausted trying to keep up with the constant trends.”  Hans Bergstrom is a Marketing and Design Manager for Mercedes-Benz USA, and he says their current Mario package is the best seller over the last two years.  “We’ve had to entirely redesign the C-Class, now they drop little shells and if you stay in your lane you get powerups on the heads up display that you can “launch” at other cars, live Mario Kart is a real thing, but frankly I just miss a good engine and leather seats." The last three years have seen them roll out a Demon Slayer package, Baldur’s Gate 3 , Barbie and Oppenheimer packages, (and a very exclusive Barbenheimer Package), Israel and Palestine exclusive paint jobs, Taylor and Travis sweetheart cars, Pinterest Recipe packages, and Hans’ hint at the upcoming package, a warm orange colored car with DJT ’47 on the bumper.  Other companies known to be following the trend of trend market following, BIC pens , Whole Foods , Sikorsky Helicopters, Champion clothing, and Seattle’s Best coffee.  If more people catch on, it could be a Branded New World.

As someone who chronically sings in the shower, I don’t think I will be changing anytime soon.  This weekend I was treated to a free trial of the brand new Apple iShower, a similar follow up to the massively successful Apple CarPlay program.  This new program installs a waterproof touchscreen wall into your shower, a quick login with your Apple ID and a quick nude full body scan—similar to FaceID, (and very secure)—and you are good to go!  The best part of the body scan is that no one else can pirate your iShower if they borrow your bathroom for a quick rinse.  Singing in the shower just got more engaging than ever.  I played a few games and jammed to my favorite TSwift songs (Eras Tour amirite?), it even gave me a 15min countdown timer after I had been in for 45min, so that I could save water, so the environmental concerns about wasting water are not a problem at all.  It even came with 3 months free of Apple Music, which I already have but it's whatever.  I loved it and I want more! The new iShower will go on sale sometime after the first of this next year, and in a partnership with Lowe’s will come with a 15% off coupon on a whole bathroom remodel along with waived installation fees.  Don’t miss out on this great chance to be next to godliness, all from the comfort of your own bathroom.

Here at BCM we like to stay abreast of the changing markets and love to share new job opportunities with our loyal readers who may be out of work or simply looking for a change of pace.  We have a great one for you.  The hottest job this year is Vice President of ChatGPT.  The best part about this job is that it is actually very easy for younger workers to get hired into this role, which gives a great head start to your career in the C suite.    We sat down with the CEO of Berman Group, Donald Groves, and asked him what made this new role so critical not just for his firm, but firms across the country.    “You know sometimes, disruption really catches you out of left field and you just have to learn to pivot as fast as possible to stay up with the times.”  Groves shared that their new VP hire Hanna, has been essential to the team, even if they don’t quite understand why.  “Really we just hired her because she knew what we were asking, we kept getting questions about ‘How will AI change our business?’, and ‘Can’t we just ask ChatGPT?’ and honestly, we were lost until Hanna showed up.”    We then sat down with Hanna Perkins, the newest VP hire at the company, who was very excited about her new role, “I am like, still low key shaking, but high key chill about it for real, ya know? I think I was made for the C-Suite, no cap. It's giving boss girl. Slay.”  Hanna has blended into the board room, in pastel pink, with barely a bump. There's hope for our future ladies and gentlemen, just give the kids a chance.

They seemed to come out of nowhere.  One day they were nobodies, just the family of one time decathlete Bruce Jenner, and then the next day the Kardashians were one of the biggest names in America.  But over the last few years that influence has been waning, but with their latest business venture, the three Kardashian sisters are looking to bring their name right back to the forefront of American brand recognition, in a totally new way—food service delivery.    That’s right, look out GrubHub and UberEats, the reality TV moguls are coming for you.  In a press release Tuesday morning, the Kardashians will be starting their food delivery service Kar-Dash  in late 2024, hopefully just in time for Christmas.  While food service delivery is already a known entity, Kar-Dash  comes with a few surprising new twists.    Service workers for Kar-Dash  will be required to wear skin tight dresses, long wigs, bangle earrings, and fake lashes, and most surprisingly of all, prosthetic gluteal units.  The PR team for Kar-Dash  assured us that all of these pieces are essential for the Kardashian and Kar-Dash brand image, although it was not clear if male employees will be required to wear the complete outfit as well.  (Please hold your Caitlyn Jenner jokes until the end).    Reportedly the service is looking to specialize in health food, unique food experiences, and will not accept fast food orders.  Additionally, for a hefty fee of $15,000 a pop, customers can request a personal food delivery by one of the three Kardashian sisters; however they are only available for 3 weekends in August, all other days on their schedule are already booked for spa days and reality tv appearances.

Life.  Vitality.  Health.  All these things are represented by the color green, and in most offices around the country, those things are severely lacking.  Companies are spending thousands on revamping offices to allow more natural light and plant life into the soulless gray existence cube farm existence that is the office building, but according to new research, spending thousands on atriums and walking paths may not be necessary; all that may be necessary for a healthy and vibrant office, is just the green.  A new study conducted by Shorwin-Willems revealed that office workers health and vitality scores went up by 32% just by painting the office walls literally any shade of green, whereas the plant life, natural light, and walking path, route only increased vitality scores by 35%.  A better score, but as every good CEO knows, 3% happier and healthier employees is hardly worth several thousand dollars.  “Life used to be a dark existence, soulless and gray, devoid of meaning, until one fateful Monday, when my whole life changed,”  Monica DeMarcos*, is a real employee, at a real company, and she shared how she felt after her boss painted one of their office walls a nice hunter green in response to their request for an office ficus tree.  “It was literally life changing, I cannot thank Dave Glennock, the CEO of [ redacted ] enough, he is the best, he cares for all of his employees and there is no company that does more for our health and vitality.”  Maybe next time your employees complain about the soulless gray walls of the cube farm and the harsh oppression of the fluorescent lights overhead, maybe a quick call to Shorwin-Willems might not be such a bad idea; and it might even be 32% of a good idea.    *Monica DeMarcos was heavily compensated for her testimonial.

With the economy in shambles, and the election coming soon, everyone in business land is just trying to stay on their feet, and the shoe company Johnston and Murphy, just might have the answer to help them stay on theirs.  We sat down with the CEO Bill Johnston and asked him what the sole of his plan was.  “It came to me in a flash while I was on a hike,” Johnston regularly incorporates hikes in custom Johnston and Murphy boots into his daily schedule as a CEO, he says it keeps him focused to handle what the day throws at him.  “And then it just sort of hit me, while I was thinking of my grandfather.  He was a man of the Depression and he had only one pair of boots, so he really had to claw his way up from the bottom, and quite literally pull himself up by his bootstraps, and BAM! The idea was born.”  There it is, the idea that is ripping through the shoe fashion industry right now is, quite literally, bootstraps.  This innovation is already producing a flurry of actions from other shoe giants like DSW and Zappos, bootstraps from a functional perspective as well as a fashion standpoint are popping up all over the industry, and even the US government has gotten involved with grants and funding for small shoe makers, realizing that more people hauled up by their own bootstraps is exactly what they say they’ve been advocating for years, and as the Department of Interior Footwear said in a recent press release, “Let’s hope the other shoe isn’t about to drop.”  Hopefully Johnson and his wild ideas are brought to heel before it's too late, and we can still tie this economy up in a bow before inflation treads on everyone.

In a shocking new announcement today, Korean automotive giants, Kia and Hyundai, announced that they would both be rolling out new models of their cars for the 2025 season, without one crucial feature—door locks.  Representative of KIA American Dae-Seong Hwang, told BCM, the move just makes sense.  “Really it all comes down to financials, we could either invest in a more expensive door locking mechanism or eliminate them altogether.  Removing them will make the cars cheaper to produce and this savings in manufacturing costs will then be passed on to the customers through cheaper new car prices.  Otherwise, better door locks and security features could raise the price of the cars by tens if not hundreds of dollars.”  Deborah Lynn, a Kia owner of Arvada Colorado, is frankly relieved and can’t wait to get the new model of the Optima this fall.  “It’s honestly such a stress release, now I don’t have worry about did I lock my car?  Did I leave my purse in it?  Did I put the club on my steering wheel?  I don’t have to worry if my car will get stolen, because it absolutely will, and that is such a relief to not be in limbo anymore, I won’t leave anything in my car ever except the keys of course.”  Reportedly both Hyundai and Kia are using this new lack of a feature to settle a $350 million dollar class action lawsuit with customers who claim they made their cars easy to break into, with this new change they won’t be able to make that claim because there will be no breaking in at all since the cars will be totally open and unlocked all the time.  This feature modification is reported to make the Hyundai Elantra $73 dollars cheaper than the previous model, and $89 for the Kia Optima, and buyers will no longer have to automatically buy a car locator plan, and a steering wheel club, saving more money, and during tough financial times like these, that’s a savings that many people will be glad to have.