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Power.  It’s what drives the world, and the main question of most of human history is how to make more power, and the answer, surprisingly consistently, is that power is all about burning stuff.  Nuclear physicist, Charles Bonningham, President of the National Nuclear College in Augusta Maine, says that setting stuff on fire, is the entirety of human history.  “Fire, is just burning wood, coal is just burning rocks, geothermal power is the inner fires of the earth, heck even solar energy is just burning gasses really far away, but that got us thinking at the institute, what if we chemically set something on fire by ripping it apart really slowly?  You’ll never guess what happened next.  It was a big shock.  I mean kaboom, metaphorically speaking of course.”  Bonningham, says that they have used this chemical process to slowly separate atoms and believe it or not, he says that is what makes the fire in this situation.  “It’s really quite incredible, we can make fire by splitting atoms and using that fire from ripping stuff apart to charge iPhones, it’s super neat.”  This new process is being called Nuclear Ripping Power, or NRP, and is expected to start offering power to the public sometime in late 2026.  Bonningham was also quick to distinguish that this technology is completely novel and unlike anything ever seen before, with no potential drawbacks, ever. "We were initially concerned that NRP wouldn't pass miles of bureaucratic red tape, but the process has actually been a breeze since thankfully none of our current politicians have ever read a history book and we promised our method would cause trees to grow at an astonishing rate. Probably." Correction: A previous version of this story incorrectly quoted Charles Bonningham as saying that trees would grow rapidly. The correct term should have been " glow ". We apologize for this editorial oversight.

It’s always hard to admit that you’ve been living in a bubble; it’s jarring, sickening, and very scary, and this week, I had mine popped.  My entire life I had maintained some semblance of trust in the financial system.  I know even that statement may reek of naivete but there were still some small pockets of trust that I had, and one of those, were safe harbors, but as this week shockingly showed me, no harbor is safe, and the main reason why?  They all contain water.  And what happens in water?  People drown.  How can any harbor be safe if it’s full of water?  Even supposed “Tax Safe Harbors” still have water, that’s literally what a harbor is, how would the taxes be safe?  They would fall in the water and get wet, and then all your tax preparation forms would be ruined, and you would file for an extension, and you would drop them in the harbor again due to the high winds off the bay, and then the IRS would audit you, and find out you owe $7,322 in unclaimed income, due to selling eggs on the side during COVID and you go to jail for a long time.  The financial system is a joke.  Next time, I'll be wearing a lifejacket when I do my taxes.

Whatever you may think about Canada and it’s highly controversial MAiD program for assisted (encouraged) suicide, I think we can all agree, that this latest addition, might actually make a lot of sense, and save everyone a lot of headaches and internet rage along with it.  On Monday, the Canadian government announced that they would be opening up their MAiD program to include assisted brand suicide, and surprisingly, a lot of business owners are heavily considering the procedure.  “I just thought the stress and pain might not ever go away, especially in the wake of the Bud Light and Target massacres, and so I thought about it a lot and I decided to commit assisted brand suicide.”  John McCullough was a small business owner in Toronto, and he said committing assisted brand suicide, was the best decision he ever made.  “It was a constant battle against offending people, and wondering if the message was getting through to the customers, and if anyone really cared about what we did, and so when we approached the government about getting a small business load to expand our operation and improve the lives of our employees, they suggested we look at into MAiD instead.  Now that we have committed assisted brand suicide, I don’t have to worry anymore, I got a payout from the government, and now all the worries I had about my employees, and who we will offend this week, and is our product good enough, they are all gone.”  BCM was unable to contact any of John’s previous 42 employees, as they were all apparently out looking for work.  According to the company’s obituary, their suicide consisted of 5 ethnic slurs on three different social media platforms, a joke about French President, Emmanuel Macron’s sexuality, and a formal letter to Parliament asking them to let Trump annex Canada in a North American Anschluss.  RIP.

Ever since 2016, the absolute chaos that is the political roller coaster has only sped up, and now with Trump nominating his pick for VP, it’s only getting faster.  But there’s just one problem, according to all the media, JD Vance is weird, but here’s the catch, that’s part of his strategy.  Years and years of leftist propaganda and control, in places like Austin and Portland, have resulted in a culture that seeks out the disturbing, the non-conforming, and the oddballs of life.  Keep Austin Weird , and Keep Portland Weird , are common slogans in these deep blue holes, but that slogan might just be the political capital that Trump and Vance need.  Amaya Melanry, a longtime resident of Portland, OR, says that Vance coming out as weird has caused a major uproar among almost everyone in the city.  “I mean it’s just so confusing you know, because he is like obviously a cis-het white man, and so is Trump and he’s also a felon, but then JD comes out of the closet as weird and now I feel for him, it’s like he’s being rejected by the mainstream media, and I’m an empath so I naturally want to help him in his weirdness, but the weirdness is that he is for the patriarchy and stuff, and like Trump too, but he’s now been shot and is a felon or something, which I don't like but that makes him counter cultural and stuff like a weird outcast, or a rapper like 50 Cent or Snoop, and he didn’t pick a normal stable governor or experienced senator for VP, so that’s weird and he has funny orange hair like me, so I guess I just really didn’t expect to be this conflicted about what to do this close to the election.”  Voting is coming up sooner than you think, and hopefully things don’t get any weirder before then.

The trolley problem.  Hiding Jews in the attic.  Do the ends justify the means?  These age old philosophical quandary’s are about to get a new member of their family, namely, Is it ethical to use electricity from a power plant that is powered by burning human bodies?  A recent World Health Organization investigation revealed that China, who has been substantially increasing it’s coal fired power plants over the past decade, hasn’t been entirely truthful on what they were presenting to the public as the fuel for most of those plants.  “It’s truly staggering, I can’t believe that I would ever have to investigate something like this.”  Jarn Bjornallson, is a Safety and Ethics investigator for the World Health Organization and is on the board of the International Council for Human Rights.  He says, after an anonymous tip last year, he opened an investigation into the Chinese power plants and what he found was horrifying.  “They are heating the turbines for power by cremating human bodies.  They say they are only using people who died of old age in government nursing homes, and who had no family members to bury them, so they would otherwise be cremated and buried by the state anyway, and this way, they may be of more service to their country even after they have passed.  The worst part is that our investigations revealed that India, Turkey, and even the UK have been gladly purchasing this cheap electricity, and we now know that they knew how it was made, and also that they have no plans to stop.”  “I know it’s a bit of a morally grey area,” says British Minister of Energy, Charles Penworth, “but it really is so cheap, you’d have to be a daft and dead idiot to not take that deal.”  Chinese Deputy Secretary of Coal Plants, Zhao Pow, confirmed with BCM, that every Chinese citizen who is cremated at one of the state sponsored facilities of hominid energy production, receives an ending with dignity and receives a niche engraving on the side of the cooling tower, all for free and at the cost of the state.  No one could ask for more.

Bigger.  Faster.  Stronger.  More.  More.  More.  The hustle and bustle of today’s business culture is not for the faint of heart.  The ability to rapidly increase the size and output of your business online through the internet, software services, and business consultation, is astounding, resulting in results, that result in big businesses.  But what if there was a different way?  Silicon Valley entrepreneur tech mogul, William Schalt, thinks there could be a new way to do business entirely.  He calls it, Small Business ™.  “When I first started talking about Small Business ™, I was just totally burnt out from the corporate world, I had millions of dollars and didn’t know what to do with it, I literally lived on caffeine, I never got outside, and I was the envy of everyone who makes less than 100k, but then I thought, hey wait a minute, what if I did less?”  Schalt says what happened changed his life and now he’s never going back.  “I just started thinking smaller.  Instead of trying to build and scale to my next 100 million, I thought, what if I knew every customer that used my product, by name?  What if I worked less, closed when I wanted, made less money, and took a lot of walks?  What if I worked with just my family instead of 12,062 employees?  What if I made my business a part of a small city community instead of trying to be a corporate citizen of the globe?  It’s been an absolutely insane experiment this last year, I started a hardware store in a small NorCal town, and I still can’t believe it, but the people around here actually love this thing as much as I do, it’s really incredible.”  Schalt, says he thinks this Small Business ™ idea could catch on in the broader business world, but only if other entrepreneurs are willing to take the risk and use their corporate millions to be small too.

In the brand deal of the century Vlasic Pickles is set to host the first U.S. Pickleball Open Tournament.  The tournament will be held in Seattle, the alleged birthplace of the massively popular sport that has swept the nation and swept away tennis court lines on most city parks.  Vlasic is reportedly extremely excited.  Spokesman Dill Gherkin, explained to us just how they were able to land this record marketing deal.  “It was all perfect,” he says, “the deal came about at his local suburban neighborhood clubhouse, and apparently all he had to do was ask.  “I simply said hey, can we sponsor your world championship Pickleball game, and against all odds, they said yes.”  Dill assured us that despite some negative press alleging the contrary, the US National Pickleball Team, really does play at his local neighborhood clubhouse.  “Trust me, these guys are good, their dinks are incredible, and their donks are unbelievable, these guys are the best.”  The seniors club down the street, however, alleges they beat the Gherkin club just two weeks ago in a scrimmage match.  Regardless of who’s right, the U.S. Open Pickle Jar, is fixing up to have some crunch to it, even if there might be some sour moments.

You open your email.  You click.  You are receiving this email because your account was hacked .  Data breaches.  These problems are occurring more and more often, and quite frankly we need solutions.  According to YouDoneGotHacked.com , data breaches are seasonal but even accounting for that seasonality they are still on the rise.  A spokesman from Hacked said, “We really are surprised to see this much growth in hacking, it’s so much better for our business than we could have hoped.” Noticing a growing trend is one thing, (Remember Equifax anyone?) but tying together the leading cause took more than just a hacker, amazingly it took animal rights activists and Greenpeace to discover the true issue.  The seasonality coincided with migration season.  And what animal migrates?  A lot of them.  But the biggest cause in the uptick of data breaches?  Whales.  Dr. Maryanne Goldstein, is world renowned marine biologist from the Kansas City Center for Marine Biology, and she says breaching is something that whales are perfect for.  “When you are a hacker and you have a big intense firewall that you can’t breach, what do you need?  Water.  Water beats fire, and what lives in water?  Whales.  Whales breach all the time.  They zoom out of the water and flop on their backs and BAM! Goodbye firewall.”  Public outcry has already started against ecologists efforts to save the whales, because while it seemed like a good thing at the time, maybe it’s gone a little too far.  Strange seas we sail friends.

Unemployment.  A phrase that strikes fear into middle management and the least senior member of every team, and as the latest report shows, despite the heat of the summer, the U.S. job market is cooling down in a big way and several business leaders may have identified the root cause.  Dr. Jorgen Murphson, is business researcher at Conrell University, and has been the head of the Human Capital Resources Research Center at the Williams Business School for the past 22 years.  He says the jobs market cool off has one obvious culprit that everyone seems to be ignoring.  “The main problem of the job market is that it gets hot,” he says.  “Hot new jobs pop up all the time, but despite inflation, taxes, layoffs, wars, and any number of other causes, there is one overriding factor that cools the job market off like no other in my research—slurpees.”  Dr. Jorgen explains in his new book, Cooler Heads , that “ slurpees ” is a broad term that applies to any shaved ice and syrup beverage available at most convenience stores.  “Frosters, Slurpees, Icees, Slush Puppies, they all do a remarkable job at cooling down the labor force, and I think if congress has any sense, they will finally start listening to the research and do something about it.”  I stopped in at a 7-12 on the way home and according to Tony, the cashier, sales for cold slush beverages haven’t slacked in 6 months, so much so, that Tony commemorated his slurpee commission bonus with a new tattoo of a slushie straw on his arm.  Looks like this job market isn’t going to heat up any time soon.

It’s no secret that Elon Musk is one of the richest and most successful men in the world, but also that he himself is no stranger to controversy, and it looks like this time, his words and actions might cause him a bit of a shock.  This week billionaire George Soros announced that in response to the repeated insults and playground squabble disagreements with other billionaire Elon Musk, Soros would be starting an electric car company himself.  The name of this new challenger in the EV market?  Edison.  The name might be a bit on the nose, but the buzz it’s creating is already electric throughout the industry.  We sat down with ordinary people in California near the—for now—Tesla headquarters and asked them what they thought of the new company.  “I think it couldn’t come at a better time,” says Tanya Martinez of Anaheim.  “We’ve really needed a new liberal electric vehicle champion ever since Elon Musk endorsed Donald Trump.”  Reportedly, the head honchos at Toyota are very worried, not only that the burgeoning EV market will continue to attack their market share, but that specifically they will continue their loss of status as the liberal elite electric vehicle with the continuing slump of the once indefatigable juggernaut that is the Prius.  Soros says he plans to release the Edison Model Z, in 2026, and it is reported that it will only charge on direct current.

In other news, I’m a genius.  That should come as no surprise to anyone who actually knows me and what I’m capable of, but a landmark study* conducted by Havand Business Research just proved it for all time.  In this study conducted over the course of 5 weeks, .  But seriously what else is new?  I could have told them that five minutes ago.  I have at least 25 Rolexes, and baby I’m sharp as tack.  The study* concluded that the intelligence actually comes after buying the watch, as the increase in status symbology conveyed a burst of neurons to the newly minted CEO’s brain and that in turn increased the subject’s IQ, EQ, VIP status, and even their golf game.  Just ask the experts.  Dr. Kunar Nakimar, has been the head of the Havand Business Research Institute, for over 32 years.  He says, the smartest play is to shop smart.  “Most young CEO’s these days, are very technologically obsessed, and while there is an element of increase with that, the greatest status conveyance, and thus the greatest potential increase in intelligence and business success, can still be found in the hallmarks of old money power and prestige, namely, Rolex watches.  Our study* showed a 25 point increase in IQ after subjects had reached 5 Rolex watches, with the benefits tapering in a standard bell curve beyond 5, as once subjects had reached that level of success, they could usually buy intelligence through other people cheaper than through status symbology beyond that point.”  Well there you have it, if you are a young up and coming CEO wannabe, you gotta play with the big boys, and hustle for that first Rollie.  No Apple Watch, techno wannabes in this club, you either have the smart watch, or you don’t.    *(Study Funded by the National Union of Chief Executive Officers)

Guess who’s back, back, back, back again, gain, gain, gain?  It’s not shady, though the other kids in the technological trailer park might be throwing some shade their way.  Ladies and gentlemen, hold on to your horses because the newest technological marvel in the smartphone game is coming to the market just in time for Christmas.  Blackberry is coming back; back in black.  (hyperlink ACDC) No one thought they could pull it off, but as the resurgence in popularity of old retro technology like vinyl and record players, or windbreakers has shown, the kids of today are ready for the past.  The team at BCM was able to sit down with the new CEO of Blackberry SmartPhones, Derek Schmidt, and ask him what made them decide to give it just one more go.  “It was really all the GenZ kids and TikTok,” he said.  “Someone discovered an old Blackberry in their parent’s basement, and just like that, we were an overnight sensation again.”  Schmidt says orders have been pouring in non-stop from their vendors who can’t get phones fast enough for the insatiable trend appetite of GenZ, and all major phone carriers are trying to cut an exclusive deal that will muscle out their competition.  We sat down with some of the GenZ fans to ask them just what about the Blackberry phone is so appealing.  “It’s just so retro and cool for real for real.”  “It’s the trendiest thing out there right now. Periodt.”  “No cap this little tracball thingy is so cheugy I love it. And the full little keyboard thing is so cute.”  Blackberry has plans to release a red version of the classic phone this fall.